Myriad

"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro."
- Rauol Duke

If this statement is true, then I'm definitely an amateur. Dull is one way of describing it.

Slow is another.

Empty.

I've been reading some HST recently and I've begun asking myself a few questions. Am I part of the story, or merely an observer? Why don't I do more? Should I do more? Is it laziness? What would I do anyway?

I've always thought about this stuff, but now after working full-time for the last six months I've started to look forward. Is this the type of shit I'll be doing for the rest of my life?

I wanna turn pro. Really I do. But that's where the fear comes in.

The Fear.

No job means no money. No money means no comforts. No comforts means no porn.

Stay the course.

Apathy is THE outstanding characteristic of humanity. Apathy and fear. History records outstanding events that have led mankind to the place we are now. But what history does not record is our almost fanatical aversion to any change whatsoever. Good or bad. A pathetic, apathetic race, full of fear.

I do know that there is always a tipping point. When mine will come I can't say. I also know that for some, things don't change. I'd like to think I won't be one of those people. I'm looking for a way out and all I can see is my own apathy and fear.

Maybe it is fear. Risk minimisation. Now that has the ring of truth to it. You ask yourself what's the worst that could happen. No matter what you'll always have a place to stay (you hope). It's a lot better situation than most. But the trouble with that is that failure is always an option. And that, I think, may be my point.

Would it be that bad if I did just drop out of the whole scene? Join a band. Become a stand-up. Start doing all the drugs I've been meaning to try.

What's worse, the fear of failure or the fear of a life not worth living?

I feel the fear building inside. Sure it's nice having money in your pocket, but that can only go so far. It won't stop the fear. There's probably nothing that will ever kill it completely, but there's gotta be a way to keep it silent.

# posted by Sariel Thrawn @ 11:40 pm