Myriad

Through the tears all I can see is the hole that sits inside me.

I'd say that there's a hole in my soul if actually believed I had one.

Things are no longer as high as they were just a day or two ago.

Everything in my brain is messy and I can't shake this depressing feeling that makes me wanna break down in tears everytime I see a plastic bag floating in the wind.

My brain is struggling to correct the chemical imbalance I visited upon it this weekend just past. Struggling.

Deep breaths.

Regrets and actions, recent and ancient, come back as if to say "Look what you have done. You must make amends."

I remember a time, not too long ago. When I was in love with the universe and everything in it.

I was told by a dear, dear friend that in some circles it's laughingly described as "top yourself tuesday." Very funny indeed.

Luckily I'm nowhere near that dismal or desperate. And I fully understand why I feel this way. But jesusfuckingarserapingchrist, it aint a lot of fun.

I spoke to a friend today and there was nothing I could do to hold back the tears. No blame. Just tears. They had a source, this much is true. But they were dragged out under duress.

This time is not like the last time. The next time will be different yet again. I am neither a lizard king nor doctor of journalism. I am a speck. Fighting to keep my head on straight and my knees in the upright and locked position.

There's a ball lodged in my throat and I feel abandoned by everyone who ever pretended to care. All the ones who put on those loving deceitful faces and told those twisted lies. Led me down the garden path. Was I led or was I dragged? Was I complicit in my own demise?

No way! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! All you fuckers that made me feel anything. Everything. You're to blame for all my sorrow. Evil does not begin to describe your crime. You are the worst kind of garbage.

Shudder at myself. I feel bent. Buckled.

Ride the fear and you'll do fine. Just ride it out.

And I hope I can love you again tomorrow or someday.

"And I will risk my neck again, again"