Myriad

Sariel is what I'm called...

but...


that's what im called in a world where names dont exist and people are never really real and all you can do is hold your breath and hope and dream and wish that one day, some day, all this will become manifest. and that on that day, you will be there. with open eyes. staring, glaring, taking it all in. the brave new world. built upon the foundations of struggle and suffering and grief.

built upon lies and toil and strain. but it's still the same. never has there been a new day. never has the world woken up to a new dawn. never, in all of recorded time has anyone ever done anything of consequence. because everything everyone has ever done will cease. and you will be released. and all this will come to an end

And I'm here. In my head. All the time. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

The things I think about are not the things I want you to know about.

Because the person I am to you is not the person I really am.

In my mind, I am a god and a demon and a lover and a poet.

In your life, I am just who I am.

To you, I am just another body that presents itself to you and then moves on.

But to me, I am the centre of the universe. I am all that exists and the only reason for existence.

I am here to conquer the universe and shape it to my own design.

I am here to become everything that every man ever wished he could be.

This is what's in my head. This is the place that you cannot see.

This is why I look at you as if to say "Nothing you do will change this. Nothing at all."

What you don't know. What you can't know. Is that I'm a man who spends most of his day searching for the threads of humanity in himself and the world around him. Sparks of life and love and lust and loss. The things that make the universe real.

How many times in my mind have I run away screaming at the insanely depressing and indifferent that spews out of every orifice, of every corner, in every part of the world.

Because the world goes on around me and I can't just sit here and take it.

What I want is to not have to explain myself every time someone asks "What are you doing for Christmas?"

What I want is to be able to go and have a night out, without waking up with regrets.

What I want is to stop being told what to do.

What I want is for people to accept me for the person that I am.

What I want is a woman with no gag reflex.

What I want is to not constantly hide who I am and what my motivations are.

What I want is for humanity to pull it's finger out.

What I want is for you to understand me.

What I want is for me to understand myself.

What I want is a sense of accomplishment.

What I want is passion.

What I want is a global paradigm shift.

What I want is a connection.

What I want is the total annihilation of all the evils on this planet and in my heart.

What I want is to stop acting like a dick to the people I care about.

What I want is to love and be loved.

What I want is this list to be shorter.

I'm a torn human being.

I need to make a choice.

I need to decide whether the people I considered my friends have made an error in judgment, or whether they were never really what I would consider friends and I've only now realised it.

Truth be told, I'm no angel.

I'm far from the perfect friend, or human being. But I'd like to think that at some base level there are things that I'd do, as a matter of course, for those I cared about.

If I act like a cunt (high probability) and you are my friend, I expect you to call me out. And I can say that I've never fucked off anybody for calling me on my shit. Because everyone needs their lessons to learn.

I may well deserve to be shafted, by more than one or two people. However, if you ever did dare to call me friend, then for fuck's sake at least have the decency to say something to my face. Because I can deal with motherfuckers and all kinds of shit, but I have a hard time dealing with insincere.

I've never truly hated another human being. Although I admit that I have hated.

I've never truly fallen in love. Although I admit I have loved. Often and well.

And I have never been left feeling so empty by ones I considered so close.

I've made bad, bad decisions in recent days. And maybe now I'm paying for them. But this is the first time I've ever written anything sober with tears in my eyes.


Sorry.