Myriad

I've been here before. It's familiar territory.

The mind is clear (relatively) and my system is clear of drugs (mostly). And yet I'm here again. Again, again, again.

And I'm glad. Fucking ecstatic. Just like last time. Better than last time.

More friends. More fun. More memories.

Good times.

Thanks again one and all.

New friends and old. Thanks.

If I believed in a god I'd ask her to bless you. As it stands all I can do is search for superlatives to describe the experience and the people and the situation and the emotions.

Sadly I find myself lacking in this task.

So thank you friends and stay as safe as your libidos and your bank accounts will allow.

The way you feel about her is beyond your ability to explain.

Everything she has ever done has only made you want her more.

Never kissed her lips. Never held her hand.

But for some reason beyond your comprehension she is in your thoughts. In your very being.

Sometimes in the background. Sometimes at the forefront. Sometimes you can barely move from the desire of you.

Years have gone by and yet this foundation has never once been rocked, or even threatened.

No matter where I've gone or what I've done, you were there. Whether you knew it or not you were always there.

Every choice, every decision. Every idea I've had from the first day to this one has been for you.

"Will she like this? What would she do in this situation? Will this decision make
me a better person for her?"

Every moment is filtered through you. Every choice.

And I don't care anymore who knows it. You are what I want. What I've always wanted.

You are everything I want to be.

If I strive, or yearn, or succeed. It's because of you.

And if you stab me in the heart, I apologise for bleeding on your blade.

Normally, you meet someone. You make eye contact. You say hello. You chat about mundane everyday things as a means of introduction. Slowly you get to know a person. And if all goes well, you get to touch them and hold them and kiss them.

That’s how it goes in the real world.

The virtual world is a bit different.

Online relationships have one major drawback. Personal Contact.
Even if you’ve known a person for years, you’ve never really met.
This naturally poses some problems.

You meet someone. You start to “talk”. Maybe you even swap phone numbers. You webcam each other.

The only trouble is you live here and they live there.

You want nothing more than to be with that person. To touch them and hold them and whisper warm caresses in their ear. But you can’t.

Because you live here and they live there.

Your reactions, and thoughts and emotions are just as real as any “normal” relationship. Your mind doesn’t know the difference. It has created the same connection it would even if you could touch. Same thoughts, same feelings, same pheromones.

Same fear, same anger, same jealousy.

Someone leaves a comment on their homepage and you heart screams bloody murder.

You become the guy who killed his girl’s mother ‘cause she kept you apart.

You become the woman who sells her house to go marry a man on the other side of the planet.

It’s a complete mental mindfuck.

It’s why celebrities have stalkers

And it’s ALL IN YOUR HEAD.

And you know it.

But you don’t care.

‘Cause it’s a cold and lonely world. And it’s hard to find people to connect with. So when you finally do, you never want to lose that because you remember what it used to be like before. Because this is better than nothing. It’s insane, and sick, and twisted.

But it’s better than nothing.