Myriad

Just a note on the songs I've posted that aren't my own, 'cause I realise I've posted a few.

I put them on here because I like them.
I think they're poetic and they're pretty cool.

You may think it's bullshit to put other people's work on my personal webpage. Well fuck you. It's my page and those songs mean something to me. It's not like I'm making money off them. It's just the lyrics reprinted. So there.

I like them and you should like them to. If you don't, well I'm sure Britney will have a new album out sometime soon.

To be honest I have it pretty good.

Sure, I'm a student.
I live with my parents.
I deliver pizzas to make money.

But, I have no responsibility,
I have no bills,
I have no work related stress.

Most of my stress comes at me from my parents.

Find a job,
get a haircut,
turn down that music,
etc, etc, etc.

I feel bad about it sometimes.
I am Jack's disappointing offspring.

I don't do drugs.
I'm not a very heavy drinker.
I don't smoke.
I don't have any STD's (that I know of).

There are a lot of positives.
If we were tabling these results
The positives would outweigh
The negatives.

And they do.
Really they do.

I really do smile a lot.
Enjoy the sunshine.
Smell the roses.
All the simple pleasures.

It's funny that the only thing
That is a negative
Is that I don't
Have a job.

I know this is not really a negative.
My parents don't
So they bitch
And I stress.

When I find a job
What will they bitch about then?

I am a man as a man I've been told
Bacon is brought to the house in this mold
Born of your bellies I yearn for the cord
Years I have groveled repentance ignored

And I have been blamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

I am man who has grown from a son
Been crucified by enraged women
I am son who was raised by such men
I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among

And I have been shamed
And I have relented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

We don't fare well with endless reprimands
We don't do well with a life served as a sentence
This won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence
I am a man who understands your resistance

I am a man who still does what he can
To dispel our archaic reputation
I am a man who has heard all he can
'Cause I don't fare well with endless punishment

'Cause I have been blamed and I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

- Alanis Morissette

Oh, the sweet breath of summer.
Would that I could, bathe in it forever
And retain my remembrance of her.
Memories of her face
Memories of her touch.
The memory of the pain is just too much.

I dream of poetry.
Pictures painted in words of gold.
Simile falls into metaphor,
Warmth in an ocean of cold.

Rejoice now you blissful poet,
With your words suck the marrow.
Show me the bright beautiful day,
The shining night of tomorrow.

Gentle soul, merry muse;
Your song enlivens my hollow heart.
A verse to keep my spirit lively.
A dirge to tear my soul apart.

I went on a cruise this evening.

A drunken party boat.

You see the way it works is you pay double what you would normally pay to get into a club. Then you proceed to do the exact same thing you would do in any other such venue. Drink, dance, flirt, etc. You listen to the same crappy music. You buy the same drinks you would anywhere else. The only difference is you're on a boat crawling around the harbour instead of on solid ground in a bar or club.

I must admit that seeing the city from the water, all lit up like that was very pretty. But after the initial impact of that vision wears off all you have left is a freezing cold wind blowing through your hair as you stand on the top deck of this boat.

I got to see drunken friends and strangers embarrass themselves by submitting to the DJ's stupid fucking party games. I got to listen to shitty pop, disco and hip hop music. I got to freeze my arse off everytime I stepped outside to check out the view. It was fun all around.

The thing is, most of the people there seemed to be enjoying themselves. True they were a lot drunker than I was so that may be partly responsible. But as I sat there listening to the Macarena (and watching people do the dance) I just had to wonder, is it me? There was a time when I probably would have enjoyed that experience. In fact I've been on those cruises before and had a great time. But tonight was a pretty average experience. Have I changed? Have my tastes changed? To quote Weezer - has the world turned and left me here?

I just don't get it anymore. And to be honest I don't think I want to. I tried to get up and dance and enjoy myself but every time I tried, I failed.

So I spent a large portion of the cruise either staring out the window or up on the top deck checking out the view.

And it was a helluva view. If you've never been to Sydney, I don't know if I could describe it to you and do it any justice. But there is something about the way it all looks together. With the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House and the city lit up in the background. I find it stunning everytime I look at it.

As I continued to look out across the city I began to notice the buildings. The skyscrapers. Temples of concrete and steel. Erected to gods of finance and insurance and banking. I noticed the great lit up neon signs that spelled out the names and logos of banks and finance companies and insurance companies and etc.

I began to realise that, as pretty as they look from a distance (all lit up like a birthday cake), at their core they were empty. Soulless. Even during the day when those towers are bustling and full of people, they were dead. In fact, I thought that that's when they were probably the most empty. At least here, now, in the dark, with the lights on. At least they look pretty.

Soulless Skycrapers in the Sky.

Because its down on the street that life happens. In those buildings all there is is work and work is bullshit. Down in the pubs and the cafes and on the street corners, life is happening. People are getting drunk or laid or stabbed. But no-one is wondering what the price of gold will be next week.

I thought about all these things as I cruised around the harbour, on a boat, with a bunch of drunks. And I wondered to myself, is it me?

What you have, and what you do has nothing to do with the person that you are.

Let me repeat that.

What you have, and what you do has NOTHING to do with the person that you are.

It make sense right? Your job, your possessions. Ultimately they mean very little and have little bearing on the person you have grown to be. Right?

If this then is the case, why the fuck does everycunt around me (myself included) keep feeding the beast?

T.V., PS2, iPod, PC, NIKE's, Nokia, etc, etc, etc.

Toys, toys, toys. Useless, timewasting, empty garbage. I know it and whether you admit it or not, you know it too. So what in the name of the alleged jesus keeps us stoking the fire?

Are we bored? Lazy? Brainwashed? Or just plain empty inside? I really don't know.

T.V. shits me, but I still watch. The internet is boring more than half the time but I'm still online. I pay good money for shoes and clothing that I know are ridiculously priced. I know it's a cliche but I feel like a battered wife going back to her man.

Solutions? I don't know if I have any answers. I guess T.V. is easily abandoned (for me anyway). The clothes and shoes I can do without. I don't have the PS2 or the iPod anyway, and my phone I could easily throw against a wall.

That leaves the PC. The bane of my existence. I use it to write this stuff, which I love and refuse to abandon. I also use it to keep in contact with interesting people from around the globe. But honestly I mostly use it to waste time. Time I could use to do something more productive like read, or play music (or write).

So am I lazy? Am I a whiny little bitch? Probably. I know what I want to do. All I want to do is play music, listen to music, write music, read, write, grow and learn; and engage in stimulating conversation with intelligent people. And get laid. A lot.

Simple right? It fucking well should be, shouldn't it? Then why do I go through all this bullshit? Why does anyone really?

All I really want is to find a job where I can earn enough to live on (which these days is getting harder and harder). When not at work all I need is the stuff I've outlined above. Simple. But I still want, want, want. More toys, more toys. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

It's vanity, it's greed, it's lust, it's western marketing propaganda brainwashing. I want it so I can look cool and get laid. Because women seem to go with men who still enjoy playing with their toys. And muscles. Apparently muscles are desirable.

But I'm an artist at heart. Really I am. I'm not a fighter, I don't have bulging biceps. I'm an intellectual, nerdy, artist (but not necessarily a smart or talented one).

I've noticed something.

People who are depressed, upset, angry, unhappy on a semi-regular basis. These people are generally pretty smart. They are usually quite switched on. They see all the bullshit that this world makes us wade through and it pisses them off. They see the hate, the lies, the hypocrisy, and it grates their souls.

Ignorant people tend to be happy people. If you don't believe me go hang out with some fundamentalist christians. The less you think the happier you tend to be.

So which would you choose? Ignorance and bliss. Knowledge and misery.

The thing is that most times we don't get to choose. There are just some people who get it and some who don't and never will. In the words of Louis Armstrong "There are some people that if they don't know, you can't tell them."

That's not to say that smart people can't be happy or that stupid people can't get depressed. I'm just talking in general terms. They way it appears to me.

Me? I consider myself to be reasonably intelligent and if you've read this site then you know that things can get a little dark. But the thing is when I feel dark and emotional I tend to come here and write something. When I'm in a good mood I go do other things.

Maybe stupid people don't know how to show their anger or depression. Maybe the smart ones have found ways to vent their frustrations and deal with all the shit, while the rest just bottle it up and keep it to themselves.

Maybe I should just get over it. Maybe there are things to really get bummed out about. Maybe happiness is incompatible with intelligence.

I just don't know. I'm just guessing.

Hope you can find happiness somewhere, and when you do tell me how.

I have been looking for a new job.

I meet complete morons, on a regular basis, who have pretty decent jobs, yet i cant seem to find one.

I can't believe I'm jealous of people that I can't stand just because they have jobs that I don't want to do anyway. There is something really wrong with the world I live in.

What makes it worse is that I'm going for jobs that a mildy retarded orangutan could do, and yet I'm still getting rejected.

I am Jack's total feeling of envy.

Which is depressing because I don't really want a job, but circumstances are such that it has become necessary. So if I stop posting for awhile it's because I have that job occupying my time (or I've allowed the depression to take over and ended it all).

I sleep on the second floor.
My bedroom is at the back of the house. Facing south.
Outside and below my window is a roof of tough weatherproof plastic and aluminium.
It covers a patio/deck type thingy in the back of the house.

I never sleep better than when it rains.
The sound of droplets of water crashing into that roof outside my window is...
Soothing, calming, relaxing, percussive.
Waking up the next day is almost a disappointment.

It's not fair that I don't get to decide.
It's not fair that I have no choice.
It's not fair that I want to love you
But I don't feel the way I should.

I kept thinking that somehow
It would be better.
I kept thinking that maybe
My heart would change.

But the truth is that it's over
Life no longer has to be a lie
You can move on with your future
And I can tell you goodbye.

The years we spent together
Were as good as any could get
Still, the choices we've made at the ending
Have that bitter taste of regret.

So I'm sorry
If that's what you need to hear.
And I am
That much is true.
My confusion is all I can offer now
To anyone
But especially to you.